Beatle's Blog Post No1

My Human (Steven Petty -Ed), has asked me to write his blog for him as he says he is currently too busy (from where I’m lying it looks like he’s just sat on his arse staring at a screen but what do I know).

As many of you will know, I am one of Feldon Dunsmore’s Directors Of General Sociability. It is our job to enthusiastically greet any visitors to the office and make them feel welcome.  I normally share these duties with Kiara, my co-director, but she is currently on maternity leave having given birth recently to five pups.  I’d like to take this opportunity to put an end once and for all to the scurrilous rumours going round the office that I am the father.  I’d ask those responsible for spreading these lies to spare a thought for the effect on those poor pups of having their parentage called into question.  Apart from anything, anyone bothering to check would have noticed I’m in no position to father any pups.  It’s a sorry tale but I may as well share it with you now.

As a youngster (my Human refers to it as my ‘hooligan phase’), I made the terrible mistake of referring to the Lady of The House using the doggy term for ‘lady dog’.  In hindsight choosing to emphasise that she was my ‘lady’ by ‘marking’ her up her trouser leg only made the situation worse.  Did I mention all this happened in the middle of a dog training class?  I know, it looks bad to me too now that I put it down in print but, in my defence, I had no idea that humans consider the doggy term for ladies to be extremely rude and I thought the Lady of The House would like to smell of me.

Anyway, one thing led to another, and 48 hours later I went to see my personal physician, Sarah; fell asleep; and when I woke, turning round as usual to check everything was OK with the crown jewels, I found there was nothing looking back at me.  Let that be a lesson to all you young pups out there.  Treat your Ladies of The House with respect and you might stand a chance of hanging onto your most prized possessions.

I’m finding the time to write this blog as I’m currently on furlough due to the current restrictions preventing us allowing visitors to the office (except for the postman who is, of course, a very important visitor – our village postie brings me a biscuit every day).  I’ve formed a support group, Wolves On Furlough (WOOF), for other D.O.G.S. in a similar position.  Having heard that dogs are being trained to sniff out COVID-19 (True story – Ed) the members of our little group will be volunteering to offer our support to help the fight against the virus.  My Human says that us dogs will make a much better fist of track-and-trace than the current lot.

Our BDM, Sharon Baxter, told me that I need to finish my blog with a ‘Call To Arms’.  I said, “Are you taking the Bonio, Shazzer?  Look at me, I’ve only got legs!”  Anyway, if you would like to contact Kiki or me, we share an email address beatleandkiara@feldondunsmore.com.  My Human has confirmed all emails will receive a reply.  If for some reason you want to speak to a human then you can always call them on the ‘ol dog-and-bone – incidentally, how come only humans get to use something with a name like that?  (Opposable thumbs – Ed) Our switchboard is 02476 991719 and 01926 629005 gets you straight to my Human.

Author: Beatle

30 October 2020